


Of Chefs and Chivalry

by beautifuldisgrace, WoolenOwl



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Bad Cooking, Banter, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Chaos, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Meeting the Parents, Will is uncomfortable, so the boys are roped in to help, the girls can't cook
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:27:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28321602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifuldisgrace/pseuds/beautifuldisgrace, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoolenOwl/pseuds/WoolenOwl
Summary: The situation was this, the 35th wedding anniversary of Kym’s parents was coming up. After making themkiddy crafts and cheap handmade gifts for years in a row, Kym was determined to arrange a good, proper dinnerfor them this year. There was only one problem. She had never cooked before.
Relationships: Kym Ladell & Lauren Sinclair, Lauren Sinclair/Kieran White, William Hawkes/Kym Ladell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	Of Chefs and Chivalry

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: I DID NOT WRITE THIS FIC! it was written by Woolen Owl on discord as a secret santa gift for me! sadly, they do not have an ao3 account so i am posting it for them.

Will and Kieran looked over the kitchen, sauce was spilled all over the counters and on the floor. The sink was piled with bowls of all shapes and sizes, soiled with an equally motley assortment of ingredients. To say that a hurricane had passed through the kitchen would be doing it injustice. 

“Why does this remind me of a crime scene?” William muttered. 

“Should we call the police?” Kieran inquired. 

“Kym and I are police, Kieran,” replied Lauren. 

“Yeah, and to be honest, this looks like a job more suited for the hazmat team,” Will added. Kym and Lauren didn’t try to argue. 

But let’s back up a little before that. 

It was a gentle spring morning in Ardhalis when- 

“ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT,” Lauren yelled at Kym, who was currently on the floor groveling at Lauren’s feet. 

“But I need you Lauren, you know I can’t do this by myself,” Kym moaned, still not letting go of Lauren, no matter how hard Lauren kicked. 

“Kym, you have  _ no idea  _ about what happened the last time I picked up a pan with the intention of cooking something, and not hitting someone with it. One of them does not work as well as the other,” Lauren warned her in an ominous tone, shuddering at the thought of the nightmares that her uncle and maid Lucy must still get. 

The situation was this, the 35th wedding anniversary of Kym’s parents was coming up. After making them kiddy crafts and cheap handmade gifts for years in a row, Kym was determined to arrange a good, proper dinner for them this year. There was only one problem. She had never cooked before. 

“Can’t you just arrange for them in a restaurant or something,” Lauren asked. 

Kym rolled her eyes. “A gift needs to have some meaning behind it Lauren, I can’t just take a shortcut. Besides, my parents can never agree on a place to eat. Do you know how many times, when I was a kid, we decided to go out for dinner, only to have them argue over the place for like two hours before my mum just cooked it herself and we had a picnic instead?” 

Lauren was unconvinced. “Well then why don’t you ask Will? He’s a good cook.” 

Kym has a flashback to when she had casually tried to ask Will about whether or not he could help her without completely giving away the mess she was in. 

“So William, do you like to cook?” She had said nonchalantly. 

William was neutral. “ I don’t mind it. Why do you ask Ladell?”

“Nothing. Just making conversation,” she replied, still testing the waters. 

Will raised an eyebrow. “Do you not know how to?” 

Kym laughed nervously. “ Of course I know how,” she said thinking to the one time she had warmed some leftovers on the stove without burning her hand in the process. 

“Well that’s good to know,” William said laughing. “It’s one thing to make tea as horrible as you do, but it’s a completely another level to still not know how to cook when you are an adult.” 

She hadn’t had the nerve to go any further. 

And now she focused back on Lauren who was looking at her expectantly. 

“I...didn’t want to bother him,” Kym tried. 

“You’re too proud to ask him, aren’t you,” Lauren said in a flat voice 

“Yeah, I’m too proud to ask him,” Kym admitted. 

Lauren sighed. She didn’t want to agree what she knew was a  _ very  _ bad idea, but she couldn’t just leave Kym to handle this by herself, especially since it might mean that Kym would have to admit to William that she indeed did not know how to cook and needed his help. No half-decent friend would make their bestie go through that. Lauren had no other option. 

“Alright. I’ll do it,” she said finally. 

“Thank you thank you thank you so much Lauren! I knew you wouldn’t abandon me. Their anniversary is tomorrow, they’ll be out all day and won’t be back before dinner time. Make sure you’re early though, in case it takes a lot of time or we need to redo something.” 

Lauren watched as Kym jumped up and down, giddy with joy. She wouldn’t be this excited if she knew the things that other people in the Sinclair household only ever whispered about to this day. 

**The next day, at the Kym’s place.**

“So we have aprons, a cookbook, rolling pins, mixing bowls, and whatever else we might need,” Kym informed merrily. 

“Do we have someone who can cook for us?” Lauren asked. 

“Aw, come on, we have a cookbook with very specific instructions don’t we? How hard can it be?” “Actually, it can be a nightmare,” Grace informed. 

“What?! Who the hell are you?” Lauren could swear that the girl sitting at the kitchen table right now wasn’t there a minute ago. “How did you get in?” 

Grace quickly checked to see if the inter-dimensional portal that Owl had made for her was hidden beneath the table. “Um..I broke in through the window.” she tried. 

“Hm, the spaghetti with meatballs looks easier, but the white sauce with pasta seems like a better option.” Kym said, unable to be bothered with Grace’s arrival.

“What? You’re not even gonna say something about this random stranger suddenly appearing in your kitchen out of nowhere?” Lauren asked incredulously. 

Kym barely giving Grace a glance, “ What? She looks harmless. Besides, I’m focused on the dinner right now. Are we doing meatballs or white sauce? 

“White sauce,” Lauren said. giving up. 

“ Hm, let’s see. We’ll need milk, cheese, pasta, butter, flour, ground white-pepper…” 

“ Why do you need flour to make pasta?” 

“ I don’t know. It’s for the sauce or something,” Kym replied. “Come on Lauren, it looks easy. We were getting scared over nothing,” she said confidently and began putting the ingredients in a bowl. 

But of course, as Grace had predicted, things didn't quite turn out the way they expected. 

First of all. The milk exploded. No one knew how or when it happened, it just did. One moment it was sitting on the stove, the next it was all over the kitchen. Lauren, at that moment, was busy puzzling over the cookbook like it contained some sort of complex mathematical equation that would tell her the secrets of the universe if she could solve them. Kym was playing pat-a-cake with Grace. 

“How was I supposed to know that milk can explode?! That has got to be the strangest fact I’ve ever heard, and you know I pride myself on always knowing the strangest facts. Does the military even know that milk can explode?” Kym tried to defend herself as she ran around the kitchen trying to find something to clean the mess with. 

“ SHUT UP AND SWAB!” Lauren yelled, tossing a rag to Kym. “ Are you going to help?!” This time turning on Grace. 

“Oh no honey, this is all your mess. Owl instructed me to not interfere with the story. Besides, I’m too pretty for chores.” Grace said, batting her lashes. 

“Um Lauren, you might want to see this,” Kym called out, apprehension creeping up her voice. She was standing over the pot where the pasta was boiling and Lauren walked over to see what was wrong. The boiling pasta wasn’t boiling anymore. 

“Lauren, how many cups of water did you put in this?” 

Lauren took a ladle and tried to scoop some of the contents in the pot. It was thick and gravy like. One strand of pasta melted into next, the whole thing was a thick goopy mass. “Si-six cups.”

“The recipe said three cups,” Kym said slowly, not being able to take eyes off of the pot. Her head felt light. She watched Lauren slowly stir the pot, the ladle moving in a hypnotizing circle. 

“N-no, the recipe said six cups,” Lauren began frantically flipping through the book. “See, right here where it says… three cups.” 

Kym looked like she was ready to faint, and Grace had to ease her into one of the kitchen chairs. Lauren tried to reach for her, but she ended slipping on some stray butter and promptly fell on her butt. “When will your parents be back?” Lauren asked from the floor, lacking the willpower to get back up. “In a little more than two hours,” Kym said, glancing at the clock 

“Aw, you two are so screwed. This is getting fun.” Grace said, completely ignoring the murderous looks from both the officers. 

**Meanwhile, at the Sinclair household.**

William knocked on the heavy oak doors as Kieran tried to not drop the heavy pile of books in his hands. The grandeur of the mansion was just as ridiculous as the titles he was holding.  _ Classics of Criminology, An Extensive Study on The History of Courts and Modern Justice System, A Compilation of Comprehensive Essays Regarding The Inner Workings of Criminal Organizations,  _ what even- 

“It was nice of you to find all of those for Lauren. I heard that she has been looking for these books for a while,” Will said, breaking him out of his thoughts. 

“Ah yeah, they are not very easy to find. I have a lot of experience searching for books however, and was able to pull in some favours with my librarian.” 

The door was opened before Will could reply, and a somewhat nervous looking maid led them in. “Ah, good morning William. Are you here for Lauren?” Tristan asked from the living room where he was sitting with a newspaper. 

“Yes actually Mr. Sinclair, this is the new archivist at our precinct, Kieran White. He found some books that Lauren had been looking for and wanted to give those to her. Is she home?” 

“Um Lady Lauren is out at Miss Ladell’s place,” the still somewhat nervous maid interjected. Both Kieran and Will were getting a little confused as to why she was so jumpy. 

“Ah, that’s not a problem. You can leave those with me, I’ll tell her about your kindness Mr. White.” Tristan said. “Did she say when she will be back, Lucy?”

“I do not know sir. But, Miss Ladell said that they were making di-dinner for someone, and asked me if I had any tips right before they left,” the maid stammered out. 

The entire room went silent. If Tristan was holding a cup of tea, he would have dropped it. The already jumpy maid looked like she was ready to run for her life. Neither of the boys had any clue as to what was happening, but William was fairly certain that the temperature in the room just dropped a few degrees. Kieran could swear that he heard some ominous music in the background. 

“You mean that Lauren is coo-cooking?!” Tristan finally asked. 

“Um, excuse the interruption sir,” Kieran said, getting a little tired of the horror movie suspense. “Is anything wrong?” 

“You know, Kym was asking me something about making dinner the other day. Do those two not know how to cook?” Will asked, a little excited at the prospect of having something to tease Kym about. “Well, let’s just say that Lauren is a rather memorable chef,” Tristan answered, wiping his non-existent sweat with a handkerchief. 

“We should go help them. It’s clearly for something important. Wouldn't be very nice of us to leave them stranded. What do you say, Lieutenant?” Kieran suggested, as they exited the house, denying the possibility that he just wanted to see Lauren. 

“I do have the evening off,” Will considered. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to check in and see if they were doing alright.” 

They started to head towards Kym’s house. Blissfully oblivious to exactly what they were getting into. 

**Back at Kym’s place**

Lauren tasted some of the latest of Kym’s attempts at the sauce and retched. “Kym, you’re supposed to add spice to the sauce, not sauce to the spice.” 

“Well, you’re the one who said that it tasted like melted dough before.” she protested. 

“That doesn’t mean you have to give me a heart failure with pepper,” Lauren shot back. “This is pointless,” Kym sighed, sitting on the floor. “It’s my parent’s anniversary, and they are going to come back to this horrifying kitchen, and an even more horrifying thing that was supposed to be a meal, but ended up resembling something that would do a better job as rat poison. I am utter trash.”

“Don’t give up my dear. A solution might just come knocking on your door,” Grace urged her in a singsong voice. 

“Easy for you to say. All you’ve done is sit there the whole time and slowly annihilate all my mother’s homemade cookies.” Kym’s voice was more tired than accusatory 

“Excuse you!” Grace protested through a mouthful of sugary goodness. “ Do you have any idea how much progress I made on my Rafaella fic today.” 

“The hell is Rafaella?” Lauren asked. 

“The hell is a fic?” Kym added. 

Just then, someone knocks on the door. 

“Oh look the others have arrived. Man finally, I thought I was going to get wrinkly before Owl finally got to that part.” Grace said, really not giving a damn as to whether anyone understood or not. Kym opened the door to see Kieran standing there, Will was behind him trying to peer into the house. “Good evening Sarge,” Kieran greeted. “We heard about you and Lauren. Do you need any help?” 

And so here we were. The boys unsure whether they should make fun of them first or just get straight to try fixing whatever this kitchen was at the moment, the girls half melted into their shame much like the pasta. “Alright, this is ridiculous.” William finally said. “Kym, why didn’t you just ask me for help?” “I think we should be focusing on fixing the problem right now,” Kieran could guess why the sergeant hadn’t asked him for help, they couldn’t waste time on that right now. He looked around the place. “We need to split the chores. Sarge, can you handle the dishes? Lauren, I need you to mop the place. I doubt even the finest meal on earth will do much good if Mr. and Mrs. Ladell have to eat in a dumpster like this.” 

“Why do  _ I  _ have to do that chore?” Lauren complained. 

“Ah, I’m sorry my dear, would you like to make the pasta instead? Oh wait-” 

Lauren gritted her teeth. “Do you  _ want  _ me to break another one of your ribs, Kieran?” “Another?” Kym asked. 

“Did you two seriously use regular flour instead of all-purpose,” William called out. 

“Is there a difference?” 

“Yes there is a difference Ladell! Good heavens,” 

“They also put in cinnamon because they ran out of nutmeg,” Grace added, not very helpfully. Will and Kieran facepalm.

“Oh what. In our defense, they both seemed like Christmas-y spices, so I thought ‘how different could they be’,” Lauren said. 

“Look, let’s just all get to work. We really don’t have much time.” Kieran suggested 

They all began on their respective tasks. Kym and Lauren cleaning their lowly mess as Will and Kieran efficiently work around the kitchen, all the while casually insulting each other. 

“You know for someone who can’t make edible food for the life of her, you really are good with that mop Lauren,” Kieran said 

“What do I say, I get a lot of practice from cleaning up the evidence after getting rid of the dates who piss me off.” Lauren replied with a sweet smile. 

“Is that a threat?” Kieran smiled right back. 

“Do you find me threatening?” 

“Can you two not have your lover’s quarrel right now, you’re ruining my zen space and I can’t properly wash dishes with all this negative energy around me,” Kym said. 

“The hell is a ‘zen space’?” William replied. 

“Pfft, as if I would waste my time trying to explain these sophisticated matters to your callous self,  _ Willame. _ ” “Oh really? Well, your  _ sophistication  _ didn’t seem to stop you from becoming an utter disgrace at anything and everything culinary.” 

“I can’t be all perfect, can I? I wouldn’t want to make you even more jealous of me, than you already are, William. I’m not that cruel.” 

“Yeah right. The only thing I’m jealous of you about is how blissfully oblivious you are to other people’s perception of you, Kym.” 

“Don’t listen to him, Sarge. You’re a force to be reckoned with,” Kieran stated. 

“Thank you Kieran. Honestly, you restore my faith in this world. I was beginning to believe that all men were thick headed like this one over here. Please, call me Kym” 

Lauren groaned, “Oh god, now they’re starting to affirm each other. You two are hard enough to deal with individually, we don’t need you teaming up.” 

Finally, the kitchen was cleaned, the dishes were washed, and the dinner was cooked. It was a creamy white dish , garnished with herbs, and mixed with small chunks of vegetables. Even Kym and Lauren had to admit that it in fact, looked very good. Lauren laid a new table cloth and Kieran set the plates and cutlery. The whole thing was beginning to look like just how Kym imagined it. But something was missing...

“Shouldn’t we get some candles or flowers? It is supposed to be a romantic dinner,” Will said, finishing her thoughts. 

“We’re out of candles, I checked. And I doubt there’s any flower shop that might still be open at this time of the day. 

“Five steps ahead of ya’,” Grace said, placing the said candles and a flower arrangement on the table. “What, when did you get these?” Kym asked. 

“Owl made me get them for you because she didn’t have enough time to write in a shopping trip. That lazy butt. Also, I was gone for like 500 words of dialogue. How did you not notice I was missing?” “Well that solves everything. Mum and dad should be home any minute now-” 

There was a knock on the door. Kieran opened it and led in a very surprised looking Mr. and Mrs. Ladell. “Happy anniversary, you two. I tried to arrange a dinner for you to celebrate. Do you like it?” Kym asked in a somewhat nervous voice. 

“Kym, you sweet little girl... You did all of this for us,” Mrs. Ladell looked like she was about to cry. “This has to be the best gift I have ever received in my lifetime. Thank you so much my dear,” Mr. Ladell said, pulling Kym into a hug. 

Kym felt embarrassed, “Well, I wouldn’t have been able to do any of it without my friends. You two know Lauren, the dark-haired one is Kieran and the blondie is his majesty  _ Willame  _ Hawkes that I told you about.” Will shaked Mr. Ladell’s hand, more than a bit disgusted by being called blondie. Kieran did the same. Lauren hugged both of Kym’s parents. 

“Aren’t you kids going to stay for dinner?” Mrs. Ladell asked. 

“Oh no, thank you for the kind offer  _ Madame _ , but I for one, have work tomorrow. It’ll take time for me to walk to my apartment, so I have to leave now if I want to get to bed in time.” Kieran announced. “Same with me. My uncle will be worrying about me.” Lauren added. 

William glanced at the clock. “I suppose I should also be-ack!” 

“Oh no you don’t!” Mr. Ladell cut him off with a  _ very hard  _ slap in the back. “I want to get to know the man that my daughter keeps rambling about day and night.” 

Will laughed nervously, panic slowly gripping his heart. He was beginning to regret not making a run for it when he had the chance. “Um, that’s very hospitable of you sir, but I  _ really  _ should be leaving-ick,” another back smack.

“Nonsense! Come on, join us. I would like to hear about your experience working with Kym, Lieutenant Hawkes.” 

Lauren glanced back at the house as she and Kieran were walking away. Candlelight and sounds of laughter spilled from behind the curtained windows of the kitchen where the Ladells were having their dinner. “Do you think it was okay for us to leave William all alone there?” Lauren asked. “He looked like he was going to have a breakdown if Mr. Ladell slapped his back one more time.” 

“Oh, he will survive,” Kieran chuckled. And then suddenly, “Do you want me to walk you home?” “If you want to, but I thought you wanted to get home.” 

“I can take a small detour,” he replied. 

They walked silently for a few moments before Lauren said, “Thank you for what you did tonight.” That surprised him. “What do you mean?” 

“You went out of your way to help my friend. That means a lot, Kieran.” 

“Well, I couldn’t just leave two damsels in distress to fend for themselves, could I,” he laughed. Lauren snorted, “Of course, what a chivalrous subordinate I have.” 

“Don’t think it’s for free, missy. I’m not letting you hear the end of this for the rest of your life.” “Haha, I suppose I should have expected it.” 

The two of them walked together, their laughter echoing through the pale fog of Ardhalis’s moonlight.

_ FIN _


End file.
